• IP Copied!
    Loading...
  • My story

    What do you think

    • Very good make more (tell me why)

      Votes: 3 42.9%
    • Ehh more I guess (tell me why)

      Votes: 1 14.3%
    • No this is not good (tell me why)

      Votes: 3 42.9%

    • Total voters
      7
    likebeingawesome
    likebeingawesome likebeingawesome
    This is my Mining dead storie tell me what you think in the comments below and what you think will happen to jason and his frends.


    *chhh crackle chhh hello im yall host Redd Ashton. Heres yall update on the outbreak. The govenment is begining to evacuate people in small towns to larger towns. I personaly have plans of stayin in our lil town. Now its time for gas gri- chhh crakle chhh* "Ya hear that boys the government wants us to go to the nearest big town." Said Kameron. "Hmm well we paid alot of money to do this so were stayin for the whole week." Said Nick. "Ok thats a good idea" I said. The next day was wednesday the 3rd day of our camping trip. We tuned into the radio station again *chh chh Things sure have been goin bad real fast the government wants people in sertain areas to go to major citys. Suposidly we is in an infected area and we need to go to huston but still I is stayin Here in our lil town. Now for those of you who don't live in this town we have been seein some of them dead ones. A man called us up earlyer sayin the best way ta kill them was gettin there heads. Now its time for sitin o- chh chhh crackle* Ok I said we should try callin the gu-. Gruuh Grah Err. "Dead ones!!!" I said "Who has a knife." "I got one" said charlie. "Well get it out quick" I said. "Charlie Behind you" said brant. Oh **** said Charlie. Charlie jumped out of the way of it's bite and went at its neck with the knife. But it keep going after him. "The head the head" I shouted. Charlie went at its head the knife blade went in a broke off. But we had killed it. "Is it dead jace is it dead?" Said charlie. "Its dead" I said. Gruhh grahh gauh. "Some more are coming!!! Someone get the axe quick" I said. Ok. Said Kammeron he ran and got the axe. I ran and grabed my phone. I ran into the RV andcalled the radio station. "Hello who is this?" Said the man on the other end. "My name is Jason" "I said are you the radio station owner?" "Why yes I am" he said "Names Redd Ashton."

    End of Chapter one
     
    Last edited:

    Redbommer

    Mythical
    Redbommer
    Redbommer Redbommer
    This is my Mining dead storie tell me what you think in the comments below and what you think will happen to jason and his frends.


    *chhh crackle chhh hello im yall host John williams. Heres yall update on the outbreak. The govenment is begining to evacuate people in small towns to larger towns. I personaly have plans of stayin in our lil town. Now its time for gas gri- chhh crakle chhh* Ya hear that boys the government wants us to go to the nearest big town. Said Kameron. Hmm well we paid alot of money to do this so were stayin for the whole week. Said Nick. Ok thats a good idea I said. The next day was wednesday the 3rd day of our camping trip. We tuned in to the radio station again * chh chh Things sure have been goin bad real fast the government wants people in sertain areas to go to major citys. Suposidly we is in an infected area and we need to go to huston but i'm still stayin. Here in our lil town. Now we have been seein some of them. A man called us up earlyer sayin the best way ta kill them infected ones was gettin there heads now its time for sitin o- chh chhh crackle* Ok I said we should try callin the gu-. Gruuh Grah Err. Dead ones. I said Who has a knife. I got one said charlie. Well get it out quick I said. Behind you Charlie said brant. Oh **** said Charlie. Charlie jumped out of the way and went at its neck and it keep walking towards him. The head the head I shouted. Charlie went at its head the knife blade went in a broke off. But we had killed it. Is it dead jace is it dead. Said charlie. Its dead I said. I think there attracted to loud sounds some more might be coming. Someone get the axe quick. Ok. Said Kammeron he ran and got the axe. I ran and grabed my phone. I called the radio station. Hello who is this said the man on the other end. My name is Jason I said are you the radio station owner? Why yes I am he said names Redd Ashton.

    End of Chapter one
    eh this is kinda good but you need to add punctuation more interesting dialuge cuz this is kinda boring
     

    Sarge4id

    Titan
    Sarge4id
    Sarge4id Sarge4id
    Like the other posters stated, you need some punctuation in there a long with a few adjustments. I think this could turn out to be something interesting. You defiantly have the potential for story telling. Keep it up. I wan't to find out what happens next.
     
    likebeingawesome
    likebeingawesome likebeingawesome
    Like the other posters stated, you need some punctuation in there a long with a few adjustments. I think this could turn out to be something interesting. You defiantly have the potential for story telling. Keep it up. I wan't to find out what happens next.
    thx
     

    _Tachi_

    Champion
    _Tachi_
    _Tachi_ _Tachi_
    Try using more commas, and putting dialougue in "
    For example: Charlie said, "I like ice cream" instead of Charlie said i like ice cream
    This applies for radio amd other methods of communication fyi
     
    likebeingawesome
    likebeingawesome likebeingawesome
    Try using more commas, and putting dialougue in "
    For example: Charlie said, "I like ice cream" instead of Charlie said i like ice cream
    This applies for radio amd other methods of communication fyi
    But the story will start going slower soon its just we are at a part with not that much fun stuff (who cares when they went to bed)
     

    _Tachi_

    Champion
    _Tachi_
    _Tachi_ _Tachi_
    But the story will start going slower soon its just we are at a part with not that much fun stuff (who cares when they went to bed)
    Ok, i was just saying add a little bit more commas, dont spam them. You might be banned for character spam
    (Jk :p)
     

    The7thCpt

    Well-known member
    Extrospected
    Extrospected Extrospected
    Interesting stuff.
    I'd recommend fixing your punctuation and formatting the story. It's a bit hard to read right now. Your dialogue for the characters flows really well though, I'd like to see more of that.

    Good job so far! Will keep an eye out for Chapter 2